Dr Alix Vann, School Psychologist
A day in the life of a Brisbane Girls Grammar School girl, in fact, of any adolescent girl, can be a roller coaster of emotion and experience. She is energised after her early morning cross-country training — she beat her previous personal best! She feels unmotivated in her history class — she did not get as much work done as her peer next to her. She is exhilarated by lunchtime conversation about the upcoming weekend — she was invited to an exclusive gathering, much to the envy of her friends. Through all of this, she is constantly aware of and monitoring herself — how does she compare to the ‘her’ she was yesterday? Does she fit in with her friend beside her? How does she measure up to her Year level as a whole, and to what a ‘Grammar Girl’ should be?
This process of self-monitoring and comparison with others plays a key role in the kaleidoscope of emotion that our adolescent girl experiences each day, as her interpretation of events and how she sees herself experiencing them, shape her sense of self and the degree of esteem in which she holds herself. But does this process of self-monitoring, self-comparison and self-judgement truly help our girls to develop a healthy sense of self and self-esteem, or does it leave them more prone to disappointment in themselves, self-centredness, or harshly judging others so that they feel more successful? When it comes to finding ways to relate to ourselves, recent thinking in the area of social psychology offers self-compassion as a healthier alternative to self-esteem.
Self-esteem, which stems from evaluations of self-worth, is a concept often discussed in literature about psychological wellbeing, particularly in children and adolescents. Parents are told that one of the most important tasks in raising children is to nurture self-esteem, and teachers are urged to give all students gold stars so that they can feel special. High self-esteem has been touted in both academic and popular press as critical to wellbeing throughout the lifespan, with research consistently linking low self-esteem to a host of negative psychological outcomes, including lack of motivation, depression, and suicidal ideation (Harter, 1999). Especially during adolescence, where there is often a drop in self-esteem, psychologists and parents try to find ways to give teens a self-esteem boost.
Research, however, demonstrates that self-esteem is highly resistant to change (Swann, 1996), making it difficult to raise your self-esteem from low to high. Further, it has been suggested that the emphasis that self-esteem places on evaluating personal performances against set standards, others’ evaluations of yourself, and the performance of others, creates an overemphasis on liking yourself, which may lead to narcissism, self-centredness, and self-criticism (Alicke & Govorun, 2005; Seligman, 1995), and create interpersonal distance and a lack of connectedness to common human experiences (Neff, 2009). More recent research suggests that high self-esteem may not be as beneficial as once thought. Self-esteem is unrelated to improving academic or job performance; unconnected to preventing children from smoking, drinking or taking drugs; and bullies are just as likely to have high self-esteem as others. In fact, it might be argued that bullying is one way for individuals to feel good about themselves, which is essentially the aim of high self-esteem, perhaps signaling another unhelpful side effect of using self-esteem as the primary way of relating to ourselves.
So is there another, better way of relating to ourselves? American psychologist and researcher Kristen Neff (2003) proposes the concept of self-compassion as a healthier way of developing self-attitudes. She defines self-compassion as involving three specific elements:
- Self-kindness — extending kindness and understanding to yourself rather than harsh judgment and self-criticism.
- Common humanity — seeing your experience as part of the larger human experience, rather than seeing your experience as separating and isolating.
- Mindfulness — holding your painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness, rather than over-identifying or getting carried away with them.
Self-compassion involves taking a non-judgmental stance towards yourself, in stark contrast to the inherent self-judgement required for establishing self-esteem. Self-compassion also means discerning what is healthy and unhealthy for yourself, so that you can see yourself more clearly, rather than through the potentially rose-coloured glasses self-esteem encourages. So, self-compassion offers a safe way to see yourself as you truly are, without the threat of having to beat yourself up if you fail or make a mistake. Self-compassion is not about indulging in a pity party for yourself, or about self-indulgence at all. Self-compassion is about doing what is best for your health and wellbeing, which may in fact mean enduring difficult feelings or making a decision that does not feel good, but that ultimately advances you towards a sense of wellbeing.
The process of harsh self-criticism is, for many of our girls, a primary motivational tool. How often do we hear the girls’ self-talk characterised by a critical voice instructing her to do more, be better? (‘I am never going to get anywhere with grades like this’). Neff (2003) argues that this self-talk can be adaptively replaced with a self-compassionate stance by acknowledging the suffering (‘I haven’t done as well as I wanted to on this exam, and it feels awful.’); reminding yourself that suffering is part of the human condition (‘It is ok to feel disappointed, it happens to all of us.’); and finding a way to be kind to yourself so that you are able to take the most helpful steps towards creating change (‘Maths is important to me and I believe in myself — I let my nerves get in the way of studying for this exam, so how can I make sure that I work more efficiently next time?’). Studies demonstrate that self-compassion in classroom settings is positively associated with mastery goals for learning, suggesting that self-compassionate individuals are more intrinsically motivated to learn and grow (Neff, Hseih, & Dejitthirat, 2005). Self-compassion has also been shown as a reliable predictor of student wellbeing (Neely, Schallert, Mohammed, Roberts, & Chen, 2009).
So, as she embodies the roller coaster of emotions and experiences in her adolescent day-to-day, what a wonderful gift it would be for each Grammar girl to receive a taste of what it is like to respond to her experiences and her view of herself with compassion, rather than judgement. Indeed, what a wonderful gift it would be for us all to be able to respond to ourselves with gentle and patient realism as we each forge our own path towards psychological wellbeing.
References
Alicke, M. D. & Govorun, O. (2005). The better-than-average effect. In M. D. Alicke, D. A. Dunning, & J. I. Kruger (Eds.). The self in social judgement (pp. 85-106). New York, USA: Psychology Press.
Harter, S. (1999). The construction of self: A developmental perspective. New York, USA: Guilford Press.
Neely, M. E., Schallert, D. L., Mohammed, S. S., Roberts, R. M., & Chen, Y. (2009). Self-kindness when facing stress: The role of self-compassion, goal regulation, and support in college students’ well-being. Motivation and Emotion, 33, 88–97.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a health attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–102.
Neff, K. D. (2009). The role of self-compassion in development: A healthier way to relate to oneself. Human Development, 52, 211–214.
Neff, K. D., Hseih, Y., & Dejitthirat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4, 263–287.
Seligman, M. E. (1995). The optimistic child. Boston, USA: Houghton Mifflin.
Swann, W. B. (1996). Self-traps: The elusive quest for higher self-esteem. New York, USA: Freeman.