Miss Chrystal Gray, School Psychologist
In conversations with girls, their excitement when they find a new friend who they genuinely connect with is unparalleled. Unfortunately, one girl’s new connection often feels like another girl’s loss. Friendships during adolescence have the capacity to provide a sense of belonging and security, bring joy, promote self-esteem, cultivate interpersonal skills, and build a sense of individual and group identity (Preuschoff, 2006). Friendship difficulties, on the other hand, can feel devastating for adolescent girls, and heartbreaking for those who care for them. The developmental and environmental changes that occur during adolescence almost guarantee that relationships will change and friendship difficulties often ensue.
Friendship difficulties can be exacerbated by certain behaviours that are more broadly described as relational aggression. Ignoring, excluding, spreading false rumours, gossiping, taunting, and insulting are used to harm relationships or social status (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995). Power, popularity, and a desire to fit in often underlie these behaviours (Pronk & Zimmer-Gembeck, 2010).
While relational aggression is an insidious form of bullying, it is important to distinguish it from regular friendship fallouts that occur due to changing interests or decreased time spent together as a result of class allocations or other environmental changes. ’It’s the deceptively unhelpful piece of advice that every well-intentioned adult has at one point issued to a child: You should be friends with everybody!’ (Miller, 2016). It’s natural to be drawn towards, and spend more time with, a select group of like-minded peers. While this can be unintentionally upsetting for those who perceive they are on the outer, it is markedly different from bullying, which involves recurrent and intentionally hurtful behaviour that continues even after the issue is raised with those involved.
Characteristics of children’s relationships with parents, peers, and school personnel are associated with their ability to respond to bullying (Bernstein & Watson, 1997). For students to be empowered, their voice and choice needs to be maintained during adolescence through participation in decision-making, critical reflection, and being heard (Nation, Vieno, Perkins, & Santinello, 2008). Empowering a friend, daughter, or student to respond effectively to bullying or friendship difficulties begins with taking time to listen and being a good listener. Talking allows for experiences and emotions to be processed before problem-solving can begin. A good listener does not interrupt, criticise, or invalidate what is said (Wiseman, 2004).
Similarly, asking questions, rather than providing answers, empowers others by acknowledging that they have the answers. Questions can be used to promote critical thinking and gain perspective about motives for behaviour. In the wise words of Henry Ford, ’If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own’. The relief is clearly observable when girls discover that the reason their friend has been avoiding them is because their friend has been feeling just as hurt as they have.
Without judging or offering advice, first empathise and validate. All emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, are natural and each person’s feelings reflect their emotional truth (Wiseman, 2004). It is, however, imperative to keep one’s own emotions in check when supporting others. Modelling a calm response promotes emotional containment.
Normalising regular friendship difficulties and discouraging relational aggression can also decrease the intensity of associated unpleasant emotions. Girls will always have those friends who they prefer to spend more time with. They don’t have to be friends with everyone – but they will be respected for being friendly. As Miller stated, ’It’s OK to not invite someone to your party, but don’t boast about the event in front of them. It’s understandable that you may not want to sit with a student you don’t have much in common with, but you could still smile at them when you see them in the playground. It’s natural that you might want to discuss someone who has hurt you with your mates, but be discreet.’
Once probing questions have been asked and regular friendship difficulties have been normalised, the foundations have been laid for effective problem-solving. The more independence that girls have in this process, the more confidence they develop in their ability to respond assertively. In order to be able to problem-solve and communicate effectively, it is important to be able to stay calm and manage stress and anxiety. Healthy coping skills such as exercise, journaling and mindfulness or meditation are vital. Brisbane Girls Grammar School provides many self-care opportunities for students including the .b Mindfulness in School Programme (a mindfulness course designed to improve well-being and resilience that is delivered to all Year 8 students), exercise in the form of yoga and strength training, and the Balance Space (a technology-free zone where girls can engage in board games with peers, complete jigsaw puzzles, colour in, or just relax during their lunch breaks).
Parents can also take a number of steps to decrease the impact of friendship difficulties. Non-intrusive monitoring of personal electronic devices can help promote good decision-making. Mediation through guidance is often more effective than more aggressive or intrusive forms of supervision. This might include parents having their child as a friend on social media accounts, having general conversations about the topics being discussed in messages, providing assistance when requested, and helping adolescents to assertively manage situations that they find difficult. Taking a break from technology as a family can also provide some reprieve from the advertising and social media that can foster insecurity and competition. While it’s important to provide adolescents with the opportunity to solve their own problems, if a student has been threatened or there is a risk of physical harm, or if difficulties are escalating or continuing after your daughter has attempted to resolve them, then it may be necessary to seek additional support from a Head of House or one of the School Psychologists.
Consideration of some of the abovementioned ideas may help parents and caregivers to empower adolescent girls to successfully navigate friendships and friendship difficulties. The ideas explored included:
- Listening
- Asking questions that elicit multiple perspectives
- Validating feelings and empathising
- Modelling a calm response
- Normalising friendship difficulties
- Problem-solving
- Promoting self-care and healthy coping skills
- Seeking additional support if needed
References
Bernstein, J. Y., & Watson, M. W. (1997). Children who are targets of bullying: A victim pattern. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 12, 483–498.
Crick, N. R., & Grotpeter, J. K. (1995). Relational aggression, gender and social psychological adjustment. Child Development, 66, 710-722.
Miller, D. (2016, March 18). Not being friends with everyone isn’t bullying. It’s life. The Daily Telegraph. Retrieved from http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/.
Nation, M., Vieno, A., Perkins, D. D., & Santinello, M. (2008). Bullying in school and adolescent sense of empowerment: An analysis of relationships with parents, friends, and teachers. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 18, 211–232.
Perkins, D. D., & Zimmerman, M. A. (1995). Empowerment theory, research, and application. American Journal of Community Psychology, 23, 569–579.
Preuschoff, G. (2006). Raising girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up strong and happy. California: Celestial Arts.
Pronk, R. E. & Zimmer-Gembeck, M.J. (2010). It’s “mean”, but what does it mean to adolescents? Relational aggression described by victims, aggressors, and their peers. Journal of Adolescent Research; 25; 175-203. DOI: 10.1177/0743558409350504
Wiseman, R. (2004). Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends, and other realities of adolescents. Piatkus Books: London.